(Broke) Athletes Offering Services

I just stumbled upon the greatest website ever created. Actually, second greatest behind this one.

Ladies and gentlemen, slackers who need a swift kick in the ass, I present to you AthletePromotions.com, a website where past and present sports figures offer their services to you – all for a very not-so small fee, of course.

Some athletes are in such financial doo-doo, they are willing to take your corporation to the next level by offering to “mingle with your best customers, clients, and employees” and act like they care as they run wind sprints straight to the bank.

If you Google the name Allen Iverson, the first thing the search engine will suggest is “Allen Iverson Broke,” so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he is one of the available speakers. Personally, I would love to hear his seminar on practice.

Other motivators on the AthletePromotions.com who are willing to offer their special services include:

Andrew Bynum – Quitting
AC Green – Abstinence
Andrei Kirilenko – Tattoo Crisis Management
Anthony Davis Jr. – Cosmetology
Antoine Walker – Bankruptcy
Arvydas Sabonis – Posterization
Charles Barkley – Nutrition
Craig Sager – Fashion
Brian Scalabrine – Life on the Bench
Greg Oden – How to take a proper crotch shot
Calvin Murphy – How to father 14 children by 9 different women

The short list compiled above was only for basketball, but you get the point.

Check out the site for your own gems and take your life to the next level.

Brain Farts on Lakers vs Thunder

What in the name of Keith Kloss is going on around here?

The Los Angeles Clippers won a playoff series for only the second time in their LA existence – a game seven on the road at that. The Los Angeles Kings are in the conference finals, and already have a 1-0 series lead. The Los Angeles Dodgers own the major’s best record at 23-11.

…And then there is the Los Angeles Lakers, who after scratching and clawing their way to a game 7 win against the Denver Nuggets Saturday night, head to a world of trouble in Oklahoma City.

Before game one tips off in a few hours, simply put, I don’t see the Lakers winning the series.

By at least showing up for the entire series and winning a game, they will save themselves the embarrassments of last year’s debacle against the Mavericks. This just in, Peja Stojakovic made another three pointer!

Kobe Bryant is an assassin.

Andrew Bynum bears a similarly close resemblance to the above-mentioned adjective – as in an ass. Serge Ibaka will further expose the “all-star” who only plays whenever he wants to and writes checks his ass can’t cash. On a completely separate note, I predict Bynum will let his mouth run him out of town this offseason.

I don’t even want to begin about Mike Brown and his assistant coach castoffs. I can rant about that until game three.

Pau Gasol is a dirty look from Kendrick Perkins away from a season ending psychological injury.

Metta World Peace will need to channel into Ron Artest if the Lakers are going to win the series. This is the only out I see for the Lakers.

The developmental parallels between the Thunder and the late-90s Lakers are strikingly similar. Once the Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant era began in 1996, the Lakers endured back to back beat downs to the hands of Karl Malone, John Stockton and the Jazz and then Tim Duncan, David Robinson and the San Antonio Spurs. After going a combined 1-12 in those games, they learned to win under Phil Jackson and, well, you know the rest.

1996-97 – Lakers lose to Jazz in conference semi-finals, 4-1
1997-98 – Lakers lose to Jazz in conference finals, 4-0
1998-99 – Lakers lose to Spurs in conference finals, 4-0

2009-10 – Thunder lose to Lakers in opening round, 4-2
2010-11– Thunder lose to Mavericks in conference finals, 4-1
2011-12 – ?

OKC has endured their growing pains through their one-two punch of Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. The Thunder has already learned how to lose to the Lakers, and if this year’s three regular season games serve as any indicator, they’ve already learned how to win – convincingly. Thunder in five.

Bynum, Artest, Phyliss and Flacco Make it a Whacko Sports Week in News

The sports world is going through some vanilla times right now.

Two leagues are locked out, the WNBA is on all-star break, and Frank McCourt is collecting bottles in the parking lot from belligerent tailgaters to make payroll for his last place team.

So instead of getting the latest on NFL and NBA free agency and how many yellow pages Adrian Peterson can rip per minute, we are relegated to the following news:

Andrew Bynum is still a badass. This time, in an undercover investigation by NBC4 news, the ruthless desperado was exposed for illegally parking in a handicap space at a seemingly empty Playa Del Ray Bristol Farms lot. Adding a flagrant insult to his lawlessness, he double-parked his BMW convertible! No word yet if he close lined the bag boy who insisted that a healthy Bynum didn’t need a carry out.

Ron Artest, errrrrrrr, Metta World Peace, is now a stand-up comedian. In a recent show, his routine included walking in on his parents having sex while he was only a kid, and proceeding by grabbing his father’s genitals. No word yet if this life-changing moment launched the tenacious career of the ball-hawking “Peace.”

Phyllis, the driest character from the hit show “The Office,” was once an NFL Cheerleader for the St. Louis Cardinals in the 1970s. No word yet if the franchise relocated in 1988 to shake her away, or if Bob Vance from Vance Refrigeration had anything to do with it.

Last month, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco got hitched. So fittingly, with offseason activities cancelled, he ran plays for his wedding pictures, with a special someone under center. No word yet if Flacco has been running two-a-day two-minute drill and nailing uprights ever since.