Today is National Unfriend Facebook Day, joining “National Pro-Life Banana Nut Muffin Day” and “International Moment of Clarification Day” as the most obscurest of holidays known to Mankind.
So, in pursuant to the Unfriend Act (1 U.S.C. 115b), let us all celebrate with “15 Reasons to Unfriend Someone on Facebook.”
1. A classmate you haven’t seen since first grade private messaged you about borrowing five-thousand dollars for a class reunion at Chuck E. Cheese for the sake of nostalgia.
2. Writing salacious messages to every person you’d come across has caused concern for a viral infection – for your computer.
3. Your friends check-in everywhere they go – including all the places they wish they’d be.
4. [Sic] ALL of their p0asts l00ke sumthin lik dis all da tim3 m@king it very hard 2 reid 0r undastan @nything.
5. It turned out that Ivanna, the 23 year-old fitness model from Oakland, was actually Charles, a 47 year-old ex-convict Raiders fan.
6. You friend requested a complete stranger because of the cleavage/six-pack shown in their profile picture, only to realize the picture was taken in 1982.
7. Your friend hasn’t liked any of your 19 status updates from the last three hours.
8. You want your news feed to only show important updates from people/pages who truly matter in your life – i.e. Rihanna, ESPN, and “Why do all Lebanese girls think they look like Kim Kardashian.”
9. They treat their Facebook page like a radio station – news at the top and bottom of every hour.
10. Even though you greet the Thai food delivery guy wrapped in a bathrobe, you are in desperate need of some privacy.
11. You accepted your parents as friends thinking it would repair your relationship, only to have them “like” all of the negative things happening in your life.
12. Their news feed looks like it’s pulled straight out of a script from the Maury Povich Show – “I love you so much”; “I wonder if he is the father…”
13. They don’t know what the word “No” means when it comes to borrowing harvesting tools in Farmville.
14. You get a complete play-by-play of every minute of their lives making Vin Scully look like a fast-pitch softball league commentator.
15. They shamelessly promote their own products – i.e. their writing.