Football is Like Caffeine, and it’s Highly Addictive

I went to Starbucks today, and as I stood in line waiting to order, the idea hit me out of nowhere, kind of like an all out blitz from my blind side.

Only this time, it was happening right in front of me.

For all I knew, the lady before me was Jon Gruden as she stood there and craftfully ordered the most verbose drink I had ever heard of. At one point, she even began pointing, as if reading a defense and shifting protection straight into her cup. For a second, as soon as she finished, I expected her to audible to a “trenta, dirty chai, skinny vanilla bean latte with half-and-half” after the barista tipped off illegal usage of an unsanitary milk warmer. Nevertheless, the sight was so expressive and eloquent, it almost sounded Shakespearean.

The cashier on the other hand looked like Eli Manning thinking things through after an 88-yard interception return for a touchdown.

Here’s the breakdown of the drink she ordered: Venti (formation), zebra white (motion), skinny (protection), chocolate crème frappuccino (the route tree), with two-percent milk (tagging Y receiver with an additional move), Sweet N’ Low (tagging X receiver with an additional move), and three pumps of caramel (also tagging the halfback with an additional move).

And then I snapped into somewhat of a delirious reality and understood that coffee is like football, and this woman was actually Peyton Manning disguised as a women, and that “flip right, double-X, Jet, 36 counter, naked waggle, X-7, X-quarter” was just long for decaf. I felt like Bill Murray in Coffee and Cigarrettes scene – in a state of delirium.


GZA RZA and Bill Murray Coffee & Cigarettes - MyVideo

So how is football like coffee? Just as much as Tony Romo has his go-to player in Jason Whitten, I have a go to drink in a upside down caramel macchiato. Pressed on time doesn’t exist for the likes of John Elway and Ben Roethlisberger, but if it did, I bet they’d order a venti drip just like I do. Look at Ray Lewis, who looks as if he injects himself with a lethal concentrate of toffee nut mocha every time he steps out onto the field.

Sometimes when I am down on my luck, I take my laptop and spend a couple hours stationed at a coffee table and reboot. Down on his luck, Donovan McNabb throws the ball into the ground on third down and the Minnesota Vikings just hand the ball off to Adrian Peterson on every other play. As a Vikings fan at 1-5, I am having a hard time watching them play this year. I waited all day for the Sunday night game against the Bears, only to see them down 26-3 at halftime. Midway through the first quarter, sadly, I was falling asleep and had to drink a double-shot (coffee of course) just to stay awake for the pitiful 39-10 ending. After a glorious run with Brett Favre in 2009, the Vikings are now an inglorious 7-16 since painfully losing in overtime to the New Orleans Saints in the conference championship game.

My friends and I, who are also victims of being fans of crappy, underachieving, overpaid teams, have lately found some solace during our coffee night sessions that all of our teams suck! Though sometimes, the barbs get a bit touchy and we rewind to the glory years. Too soon?

My Broncos, Saints and Cowboys friends love to remind me of Super Bowl glory. This is generally where I try to make a smooth transition into basketball because with a franchise record of 0-4 in Super Bowls and 0-5 in conference championship games since 1977, all I can do is listen and wait for the perfect segue to start talking about the NBA lockout.

So, in honor of #winning, next time you order a Joe, instead of a pumpkin spice latte, honor a Bill, or a Tom, and the New England Patriots with the “Quad Expresso.”

Spreading four wide, this is the pass-happy Patriots’ drink of choice. Tom Brady plays in the frigid New England cold and indulges in skinny chai lattes while nestled in a hoodie, his man Uggs and and cuddled up with Gisele Bundchen. But life is always so pretty and carefree. Wait, it is if you’re Tom Brady. Nevertheless, the “Quad Expresso” allows for the Pats to run out such stiff decoys as Deion Branch, Julian Edelman and Chad Ochocinco, only to pass it to Wes Welker the whole game. The “Quad Expresso” is another way of which Bill Bellechek adds on to chaos and confusion, kind of like indicating you’ll pay for your $2.15 drink with cash, only to pullout a checkbook at the very last second.

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